These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”ĥ4. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. “The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. “How can be perfect? Everything He ever makes dies.”ĥ2. “He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever f**k things up this badly.”ĥ1. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”ĥ0. “Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”Ĥ9. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”Ĥ8. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”Ĥ7. “I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. They should be giving their money to you.”Ĥ6. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”Ĥ5.
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“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”Ĥ2. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”Ĥ1. “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”Ĥ0. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”ģ9. “Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. “You show me a lazy p***k who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to p**s, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.”ģ8. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.”ģ7. “I think people should be allowed to do what they want. “‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”ģ5. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”ģ4. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”ģ3. “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. “Bulls**t is truly the American soundtrack.”Ģ5. “Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”Ģ4. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”Ģ3. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”Ģ2. “In America, anyone can become president. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”Ģ0. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”ġ9. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”ġ8.
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We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. “We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bulls**t they teach you in school.”ġ6. I have major psychotic f**king hatreds.”ġ5. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”ġ4. “Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.”ġ3. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”ġ1. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”ġ0.
They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”ĩ. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”Ĩ. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”ħ.
“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”Ħ. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”ĥ.
“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”Ĥ. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”Ģ.
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. Known for his funny and sarcastic quotes, we think you’ll get a kick out of his words. These George Carlin quoteson life showcase his wit, ingenuity and genius-and, occasionally, his potty mouth, which was part of his signature charm. He was as prolific as he was profound, with a career spanning nearly five decades, 23 albums, 14 HBO specials, 130 Tonight Show appearances and three books (plus posthumous releases).
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